Saturday, April 24, 2010


He always saw better with his eyes closed. You can feel the wood that way. Little else mattered now, the doctors said he hadn’t much longer to live. He always saw better with his eyes closed. What really mattered now? Well? What else was there? Nothing. So he got out of bed because he had one more day. He left his room because he had one more day. He went out to his shop, because he had one more day. One more day to see the world, to feel the grains, to hear the sound sandpaper makes when it runs over the Pine skin. Smoothing it, like grit of life inextricably glued to the paper of his existence preparing him for the end. Preparing him for…well? It was about process, something about process. Something about enjoying the ride, about doing something and enjoying it while you did it, not just doing something for the sake of killing time. That was the way he saw it now, what a fool. Oh how he wished he could go back now. To relive his days…but this isn’t that kind of story. He went out to his shop, closing the door behind him, sealing it, and then he started his last project. His own coffin.

A carpenter never dreams of something like this. Never. Never in a million years do they ever think about doing something this morbid. What else is there? What could possibly be more morbid than building your own coffin from treated pine, and hard maple? He inspected the boards, much like his own frame, some grains neatly in line with what you’d expect from a specimen of wood, others misaligned, knotted spots, like marks on a reputation. Still, mostly good; Good enough. He mercilessly threw it on the sander. Life hadn’t been nearly as kind with his father’s divorcing his mother – shattering his family early on. He had been ten. He threw another piece on. The death of his grandparents. Trauma – makes you smooth – takes off the roughness, his had been mental – the board cried out as the sander hit a knot. Suffereing, it sharpens you. He kept reasoning. He kept working. He kept thinking. Because he had one more day.

He took out an old jigsaw – the oldest in his family – the same things that had plagued him at the beginning – would plague him now. Still the same fights, just different patterns, different kick backs, different jarring moments when the saw would jump off the wood sending splinters into his memory. What else is there? He put the saw back on the board. Pulled the trigger – moved the long electric cord – kept going. Why? Because he had more day. Because it was the right thing to do. Because it was all there was to do. You can’t quit. You can’t give up. You might be at the end, but as long as you have breath? Well? What else is there? He grabbed some finishing nails. The best kind – some left on reserve (but what was the point of having reserve now? Or insurance? Or even policy? Or protocol? Or even a title on his house?) The best kind he had. Set them aside. No need to stain it – what was the point? He finished the cutting. That was it. Right when you thought a piece was finished, right when you thought everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be fine – going to be a light at the end of a tunnel – that’s when the nails start. That’s when the four cornered steel blades precisely split you without mercy. He had flunked out his first year of college. Stranded in the middle of some town no one could remember. That nail…one he’d never forget. Then when it’s done driving itself home, you get another – bills. And another – news. Well? What else was there? There was always good. Always good with whatever happened. He joined the two boards, set the glue, clamped it shut. The glue seeped out – things that freeze splinters; a pay raise, a tax break, his projects, a girlfriend. You always had to have glue. Keeps things together. He joined the sides – the pain was over. He knew what nails would come. He took the hardwood maple and started the sanding and the cutting and the thinking…all over again.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Jeremiah 33:3

While digging through my archives...

1 AM, journal entry 5/7/2007

"Dear Lord, My 'Calculus-MATH-152-I-think-I'm-gonna-die' test is tomorrow-I'm SO stressed out. That exam tonight - even though it was practice - made me feel SO unprepared. Lord, I need confidence. For some/most of the answers it felt (once I knew the answer) like I was just a 'step' away. Lord, when you created me why didn't you make me math smart? I really feel like engineering is where You want me-or am I wrong there?! Not being good in math is confusing. I get stuff jumbled up and backwards - I just can't keep it straight - that's why I'm so in need of your help. Man, I wasted so much time - will I ever learn? God, I have no idea how I'm going to do on this test tomorrow. NO IDEA. I mean, it's like if they ask the question one way - I can get it. Another way? I'm screwed. Ugh, it's frustrating when all my friends are getting A's and I'm barely scraping for a 'C'. I guess this semesters going to tell a lot huh? I mean, You could fail me pretty easy - see? NO CONFIDENCE! Lord, be my confidence - even though I don't even understand what that means.

I got an 85 on this test. The highest grade I've ever received in a college calculus class up until that time.

"Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know" - Jeremiah 33:3 (emphasis added)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Comment on Paradise Lost 7.542

While I am not quite certain as to whether or not I am writing as a result of some profound inspiration or rather, having read far too much Milton (or drinking two cups of coffee), I have a couple observations that I would like to explore here within John Milton's Paradise Lost.

Written as the only "English" Epic, or example of Epic poetry written in the English language for English culture, is a story about the fall of Lucifer, mankind, and written in the Epic style following that of Homer and Virgil (i.e. the Iliad, the Odyssey, and the Aeneid).

What I would like to explore is found in a scene set amidst a sort of re-telling of the Creation, and the comment is made about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It reads:

"...but of the Tree
Which tasted works knowledge of Good and Evil,
Thou mai'st not; in the day thou eat'st, thou di'st;
Death is the penaltie impos'd, beware," - Paradise Lost 7.742-745

Keeping in mind that "The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord" (Romans 6:23)

It's interesting to me that God has maintained His standard of zero tolerance and, yet, infinite mercy - since the beginning. That is, He is a profoundly consistent God.

Even sitting in lecture having come to the conclusion that the atheistic world view is not one to vehemently disagree with, but rather to pity. It is out of ignorance, not valid thought, that they have arrived at their conclusions. Let the argument begin at a mere 'showing' of the spiritual realm in terms of simple cause and effect cited by the Spiritually Elect (John Calvin theology aside, let this stand to be anyone saved by grace - Romans 10:9, Ephesians 2:8). That is, for example, that when I go to sleep after praying the Armor of God over myself (Ephesians 6) I sleep far better than on the nights that I don't. On the latter nights, I have awoken from dreams being chased by cannibalistic tribes and out-of-control car accidents - should I intentionally fail to pray these things to generate more evidence? Or what of the girl in my lifegroup who, after being tormented by nightmares for several months, came to the Lord, and mid-nightmare (having memorized every subsequent 'scene') sees herself crying to the Lord, Him coming, and the dream evaporating - and the dream is yet to return? Miracles are for today. It's this sort of thing that I think His mercy reaches to, that atheist are simply not familiar with. So keep Romans 2:4 in mind, and kindly illustrate when the opportunity arises (and not a moment before). It is this sort of unreasoning to which the Word speaks "and they will overcome by the blood of the Lamb, and the word of their testimony" (Revelation 12:11). So share first the testimony of our consistent God, the workings of His in your life, and share second the wrote memorization of the gospel tract. Let this be our default, unless the Spirit Himself leads otherwise.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Third Letter - A Brief History of the Beast

My Dear Roachrock,

I have been meaning to write to you about a peculiar subject that the Followers seem to vary on their confusion of. This is good, but I must ensure that you are on the proper side of war in this.

The subject of which I am referring to is that of Difficult Circumstance. Despite the intuition to feed the Followers to it relentlessly, I assure you, that that would be folly indeed. Difficult Circumstance has a trifling history, of which I shall only summarize below:

In the Garden, the Beast was released to show the Originals what a life separated from Light is realized to be. Over time, the Animal became ever stronger as our Watchers kept feeding it. This was relatively easy once we acquired our key. For whatever reason, the Light allows us to infect the nature of the Race on an intimate level, thus allowing the early Watchers to grow the Animal to a considerable size. One Member of the Race causing the beast to attack another Member would incite Hatred, Rage, Confusion, Murder, etc. At the time, we had thought the Light had made a gross error in judgment (the early Watchers weren’t very bright) and continued to tear through the ranks of the Race. We strengthened our existing numbers greatly during those first few decades of folly, only to lose valuable ground in the end. You must act from a place of realization Roachrock, that it was folly indeed. You see, what we did not realize is that the Beast, that is a mercenary to us, is simply another vessel for the Light. While we use it, the Light uses it more, so my advice is to not use it at all. Even Watchers today repeat the mistake by feeding it with entire lives, but are then consumed when the life decides to invoke the Perseverance of the Liberator. If the Followers ever realize that it is this Animal that refines them, that reveals what they genuinely believe about themselves, and, more importantly, about the Liberator…they would welcome it and their dedication to the Literature would increase tenfold. We would lose incredible ground.

So you see why it is crucial to isolate and destroy. Keep them from community whenever possible, and do not let Perseverance show them the Truth as to what they believe. I do not mean the Truth proper. I mean to say, yes, do not let them see the Map, but do not let them see their own heading, or see the stars, or use their own charts either. Preventing them from understanding where they are takes care of the problem of their setting sail. Roachrock, if they are allowed to see what they believe, and amend it, the turbulent waters the Beast creates will no longer trouble them. It will have fulfilled its purpose intended by the Light. Joy himself might find you, and at that moment, you shall find yourself absent of much more than a position.

Be Diligent,


Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Second Letter - Gatherings

My Dear Roachrock,

I was very much pleased when I heard of your new assignment. The Gathering has been operational for quite some time, and every now and again, a Follower comes through and gives us genuine trouble. It is a worthy endeavor, often easy, but far from mindless. You must keep watch, rounding on them when you can. Consult with your captains; I assume someone dispatched to you has some military experience.

Whenever someone is new to the Gathering, an often successful tactic is to prevent them from ‘sticking’. Concentrate your resources on keeping new arrivals distracted during their first few visits. Simultaneously, keep the other Followers bent on doing ‘other’ kinds of ‘good’. You see, sometimes we must willingly encourage good behavior, to secure the more important cargo. Provided you keep the Followers busy running around doing things for each other, offering them good questions to ask friends they already know, convincing them to better their appearance, etc, you should have little difficulty in ensuring the new arrival is unnoticed, not-cared for, and missed entirely. At this point you can leave it up to their own nature (and by all means feed it), to foster Loneliness, Depression, and, ultimately, Doubt.

Concerning your reply, a Changed is a formidable adversary for this express reason: they are wary to your existence, and if alerted to your presence, will have you (and anyone else) forcibly removed from the Area (with a caveat*).


*If this is the case, re-entry is only permissible (and possible), once the Host approves it. Messengers are rather slow, so act wisely.

The First Letter - The Disease of Christianity

My Dear Roachrock,

I am working on compiling a list of bottles and potions that you should look into. They may help with the Area, it seems the Followers are realizing a bit too much. I have requested reinforcements from the High Command, and they will be dispatched to you shortly. Please note, that due to your rank, they are mostly worthless underlings so don’t send them back by rushing them to the front lines. Remember what I taught you, be subtle, and wait until they are thoroughly in fleshly 'need'. Human weakness is their memory. What follows is an elementary Features list of the Disease. The Symptoms are characteristics of the Changed.

Real Christianity

A decision made by the patient to follow Jesus Christ, coupled with a belief that He died for their sins and rose again three days later.

A complete reliance on Jesus, which in all cases yields the following:
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

Entice them to walk according to their flesh. It is our greatest ally, in all cases it yields the following:
Sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.


Roachrock, I must encourage you some, sometimes it often slips into that glorious phase of ‘Lukewarm’ where the patient buys into enough lies so as to pick and choose which portions of their truth they believe. In this case, we have them, as a Partial (ref. Rocky Soil) isn’t one at all – in the end. They only desire the social or positive benefits they can gain from the Changed, these are excellent targets for your new regiment. Do not attack the Changed with what I am sending.

- Shrapnel

Saturday, June 20, 2009

do you know

I want to share something that the Lord has answered for me. Tonight, He answered a prayer “Lord, I want to be brought to my knees with how much you love me”. I was praying, pouring my heart out before the Lord. I realized how much I don’t deserve His grace. He says that anyone who has been forgiven much, loves much. It makes sense to me for the Lord to save people who have led homosexual lifestyles, drug addicts, porn stars (, alcoholics, rapists, murders, and the like. The sins that often bear worse consequences in this life, the ones that are just as deadly to our eternity as lying, stealing, or a crude comment. Indeed, it doesn’t take much to send us to Hell. As I began to pray, I began to see how much it didn’t make sense for the Lord to save me. I have nothing to offer Him compared to someone saved from so dark a past. I could see His mercy so clearly. There I was, with what little sin I had, enough to condemn for all of eternity. But I know the Scriptures: that those who are His have been chosen from the foundations of the world. So somewhere in there, He had a choice. To save me, with my little, but fatal sin, or to save someone else…someone who could love Him more than me. Someone who would preach louder, someone who would tell everyone how much God loves them, someone who would follow closer, hold on tighter, be bolder, more radical, and more in love with Him as He so rightly deserves. Than me. With tears in my eyes, I write this: THE LORD STILL CHOSE ME, if you don’t have an awful background then you should be relating to me a lot right now. If you grew up in a Christian home, then these words are just as true for you as they are for me. SEE HIS GRACE. DON’T MISS IT!!! DON’T be hard hearted. Let Him melt you to nothing. It doesn’t depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on the Lord who has mercy…and after a few conversations, I realize that I have been spared of so much. He has been infinitely merciful to me. He had absolutely no reason whatsoever to die for me, but He chose to anyway. While I was still a sinner even. Christ died for the ungodly. He died for me. When I was dead in my transgressions. He died for me. When I was clicking away at pornography. He died for me. When I hide away and don’t share what He is doing. He died for me. He died for me. He is good. He is good. He is good. He is good. He is good. He is good. Oh, I can’t write it enough beloved. Do you know that? Do you know how much He loves you? Do you realize the degree of mercy shown to you? Please don’t miss it. Please trust Him. He is worth it. He has changed me forever. No one else can do that. No one else wants to do that. Not only did He, but He did so with wanting . He pursued me relentlessly . He loves me unconditionally. He wanted to. He wanted to. He died because He wanted to. He sacrificed Himself, bled and died, because He wanted to. He wanted to save us. It’s His heart for us to know Him. To believe Him. To give our lives away to Him. To trust Him with everything. Do you know that? Do you know that life is just a construct of His to communicate His love for us? It’s difficult, impossible, ridiculous situations are there because He wants to show us that He is the ONLY thing that can pull us through them. He doesn’t want us to just think . He desires us to know. He just asks that we believe with all our heart, that we love Him with everything, and that we deeply love each other.